Considering my brain's usually good at remembering useless facts, why at the drop of a hat, I can still recite you the first verse of the theme tune of 'Around The World With Willy Fogg'. This doesn't help me in everyday life but it's a fascinating skill to have. Of course half the time I can't remember why I'm in the kitchen so the gift giveth and taketh away.
We've got two films left in the boxset before we resume back to normally backwards alphabetized goodness and I know the last film in the set is actually a bit of a hidden gem. This film though. It's like I've either been mind-wiped a la Arnie in "Total Recall" so either watching this will be a wholly fresh experience or like the Winter Soldier, all the bad stuff will come flooding back and I'll need to kill Captain America or something.
I'm padding this intro, aren't I? Ok, let's get to it:
THE BALLAD OF CABLE HOGUE (1970 dir. Sam Peckinpah)
Why I watched it/Why I liked it:
Well, I bought it as it's part of a Sam Peckinpah boxset. I needed to upscale my vanilla copy of "The Wild Bunch" and it had "Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid" in it too so I thought for £5 at CEX, the other two films must be up to scratch. Considering I know three of the four films are good, this one got a bye in the collection because it's nestled amongst the others.
The only vague recollection, like a hazy memory, is that I know David Warner was quite good in this. This might be due to my bias of liking David Warner, to this date he still voiced one of my fav characters as 'The Lobe' in "Freakazoid!". He also wore a bowler in the film.
*Shrug*
If I think it'll stay in the collection:
Yes but most likely only by default. Who knows? Watching this might unlock previous delightful memories of the film and I'll ponder to myself why I'd left such a gaping hole in my memory.
That being said if it angers me, flimsy cardboard wraparound be damned, it's going on the trade pile.
These are high stakes people, I'm willing to destroy cardboard here!
The review:
What the fucking hell did I just watch? Also, David Warner didn't wear a bowler in the film.
So I clearly forgot every little aspect of this film. Did this make for a refreshing watch? No, it's bloody awful.
OK, awful is a little bit overdramatic as I've seen far worse, but good Christ, this is not a good film. Evidently, my brain had created some kind of defence mechanism for its tediousness. I don't know why alarm bells didn't ring. I've watched some truly awful stuff, including Zack Snyder films, and I at least remember SOMETHING about them. My troll brain decided to make me watch this pile of rubbish again for a second time. Hey, at least this time I'll have documented proof I watched it.
So Jason Robards, Hollywood journeyman who went from playing cranky old cowboys in westerns to cranky (and in some cases bigoted in "Magnolia") grandfathers, is left for dead in the desert by his two companions. They keep referring him to 'Yella Cable' which to be fair just conjured up images of somebody needing a piss.
He somehow survives in the desert for 4 days without water, apparently being some unheard of man-camel hybrid considering Clint Eastwood looks like shit after a few hours in the desert without water in "The Good, The Bad And The Ugly". He keeps cursing God, or Crom, or whoever and he strikes it lucky and finds water in the desert.
What follows is an agonizing near two hours of how he essentially builds a watering hole between towns in the desert, meets David Warner's lecherous (but not in a charming way) preacher, fall in love with a prostitute and seeks vengeance on the men who left him for dead.
I've just typed that and made it sound WAY more exciting than it actually is. Make no mistake people, this is not exciting. It's a western 'comedy' (I didn't laugh once) in where our two male leads are essential pervs and not in the charming Benny Hill fashion. Oh sure we get sped up, running away sequences but at least Benny knew what he was doing, these guys just come across as assholes.
Stella Stevens plays Hildy, the prostitute. She's there for Peckinpah to use as the male gaze as she wriggles her assets and bosom to the screaming point of PG. Did I mention this was a PG because I'm pretty sure the BBFC forgot? There's at least half a dozen 'son of a bitches', a definite nipple slip by Stevens and at least one classic Peckinpah squib shot towards the end. Evidently, the board got bored of watching this too it seems.
This might have been more bearable if the runtime was much, much, shorter but a two-hour-long Western comedy didn't work for "A Million Ways To Die In The West" and it sure as hell didn't work back in 1970.
Positives, it's competently acted, Robards carries the film with his performance (when he's not perving over Stevens) and everyone puts in a good shift. But some scenes just feel seedy to watch and I was screaming for this film to end 15 minutes before it actually did.
If you want a prostitute to fall in love with you though, apparently all you need to do is not pay her and replace the broken chamberpot she throws at you when you duck out. The more you know...
Should it stay or should it go?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well you can't fool that person another time...Fool me thrice? Ohh not this time my friend. If I could fling it to the outer reaches of the galaxy, I would. As it stands, it's going on the trade pile, SCREW THE CARDBOARD COLLECTOR!
I can't in good conscience give this a better rating than even "Captain Marvel" so congrats "The Battle Of Cable Hogue", join "Young Guns" with 4 out of 10 and never darken my doors again!
Next time, we wrap this set up with an actual gem from the Peckinpah collection.
Until next time, I remain,
Matt Major
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